Busting the toxic myth of independence

How money serves or severs connection

This year, I have found myself in a number of conflicts over money. What cost is just and fair. Who owes whom for what. What was promised when. Who should contribute to shared resources. When do agreements expire. Who is responsible for damage. Who is responsible for overage. What was the written or unwritten contract. Who needs to pay for unforeseen delays.

In one case, questions over completion of a project led to a combative dynamic. The service provider got prickly and defensive and took on a lawyer-like posture, detailing a long list of bullet points of evidence to support his case and demanding agreement. Being right was the primary aim.

There was no attempt at listening, only an insistence on proving. No curiosity about my perspective. I felt compassion for both of us, as it was clear to me that we were caught in messy mutual misunderstanding. While the money was easy to let go of, the energy of righteousness left a sour taste. They got the money they wanted from me — but the actual expense was greater because it cost us both a potentially generative relationship for future collaboration.

In another situation, I paid for some infrastructure development that would be shared use by a few neighbors. I offered this up as my contribution to the area community. I informed my neighbors, and let them know that if they wanted to contribute they were welcome, but not expected to.

One neighbor replied immediately to acknowledge and share a feeling of celebration, which created warm feelings. They also expressed desire and intent to support each others’ projects in different ways. Another neighbor did not reply at all. And when they finally did communicate next, they approached with entitlement and brought complaints. While neither neighbor contributed financially to the improvement project, the feelings and energy generated by their communication was completely night and day.

I have one final story to share — as an example of a positive outcome. A contractor had to do an additional day of work to complete a job due to unforeseen problems. The issues that created delays and duplicate work were not my fault nor his fault; they were caused by the carelessness of a third-party who did not take responsibility.

It would have been completely reasonable (even expected) for this contractor to charge me for his team putting in an extra day of work. But he didn’t ask me to pay anything beyond the previously agreed job price. Still, when it came time to settle the final bill, I voluntarily chose to pay him extra for the extra work anyway.

The final accounting would have ended up the same had he simply charged me for the unexpected overage. But because he didn’t do that, we generated something else in this exchange — something more valuable than money.

We co-created a good feeling of camaraderie and relatedness. Trust was strengthened. Bonds were formed. Goodwill was generated because we were both acting in the spirit of generosity. We both left feeling good about the interaction. We walked away with open hearts instead of closed fists.

In conflicts over money, it is easy to get overly fixated on being right or getting our way. Money often symbolizes so many shadowy things for us — security, identity, power, status, worthiness, et cetera. So when money issues are triggered, we often forget to be human, with other humans. We pass over curiosity in the rush towards winning. At the end of the day, it’s not so much about the financial transactions that are happening; it’s more about the communication surrounding them.

The way we honor each other’s perspectives and the way we show respect for each other’s energy — this is what determines whether money exchanges manage to serve, or sever, our connection with other human beings.

Extractive capitalism divides us because it leaves out the relational part — it removes us from the benevolent web of divine sustenance where we all belong. It cuts us off from the truth of interdependence with other humans, placing us into opposing camps. It fosters an existential amnesia, where we forget our total reliance on the unending and uncomplaining support of Mother Nature.

The myth of independence is one of the greatest blocks to the human experience of true abundance. The fear, scarcity, and sense of dread — these are all underscored by the idea that everyone is out to take from me. We are complicit in perpetuating this reality when we allow the thoughts to play on our mind screen on repeat: I need to defend myself. I have to protect me. I must guard what’s mine.

These thoughts are commonplace, they are embedded in our default education in the context of capitalism. This is the cosmic joke: If you think that these things are true, then that makes it true, for you. What we believe is what we receive. And what we allow is what we invite.

This is not some woo-woo witchcraft hocus pocus. This is basic metaphysics. Belief begets specific action. That action generates outcomes in the material world. Outcomes confirm beliefs. And so it goes.

Personally, I want to invest more in developing co-creative, mutually supportive relationships with those who approach me with open hands and open hearts. And I will build stronger boundaries — or simply turn away from — those caught deeply in the illusion of fear and scarcity.

Energy is highly infectious, and what we give attention to, is what we amplify.

Abundance is our nature when we ground and connect with the interdependent dynamic of all that exists. And because of the fear and scarcity conditioning we have been subjected to, it takes effort to reprogram our minds and thus shift our reality into the true abundance of interdependence.

As I write in Regenerative Purpose, abundance is an energy that has two faces: gratitude and generosity. So if we want to experience more abundance, we simply need to check-in and see if we are consistently practicing both gratitude and generosity.

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I am curious to know if you are a regular here: is this a signal that I should be putting my energy into other endeavors besides writing and publishing essays? What do you think? Can you give me feedback, either by commenting, sharing, subscribing or sending me a private message? Thank you and bless you for being with me this far.