Breaking free from role-based relating
On making drama into a play, playfully
Full moon energy has me feeling fierce today. Today I see the long, slithering (and long-suffering) serpent’s head of old patterns coming back to bite me, one more time! Proving myself. Arguing with authority. Playing the character of indignation and outrage against injustice. But now I have a better sense of humor about the whole thing.
The arena of social media drama feels less dramatic now. What is possible now is the deliberate choice to engage in shit-stirring, just for the sheer fun, invigorating, and thrilling aspect of it. I no longer feel captured or dragged down by it. Instead, I feel empowered and grounded in making the conscious decision to be playful with this current chaos energy.
Maybe you were here two years ago, when I shared my essay series Pink Pitchforks, about cancel culture in conscious community. This is what spurred me to start this Substack. I won’t repeat it here. You can find it in the archives.
What happened today was interesting, because it allowed me to see my own growth rings. I can go into “bitch mode” and play that role, while taking myself and my self-righteousness much less seriously.
I no longer care about who might be observing my movements, how they are receiving my choice of self-expression, and what judgements they could hang on my character. I know that these come with the costumes we wear, and the roles we play in each others’ life movies.
None of it has anything to do with our essence, or true self.
I now believe that it is good to stretch ourselves and challenge the fixation of identity — by intentionally switching into less comfortable roles occasionally. When we practice switching roles, it keeps us fluid and flexible, so we don’t get too stuck in the mud of expectations (our own or others’).
Role-based relating is easy and comfortable because we are told by convention how to behave. We simply follow a set script for that role, and repeat the same patterns over and over. Role-based relating is relational laziness, because it circumvents the need for self-awareness, presence and honest communication.
Whatever role we play, it can often be described as one end of some polarity. Truthfully, our potential energy includes the whole spectrum of an infinite number of polarities.
But when we get identified with playing a particular role, we can create a trap of self-definition at the end of a single dimension of polarity. For example, we might get stuck always being the generous one or the needy one; the wise one or the curious one; the strong one or the vulnerable one.
The truth is, who we are and what we provide to each other or seek from each other is dynamic. It is not the same from day to day or moment to moment. Givers are not needless. Receivers are not helpless. Victims are not blameless. Perpetrators are not immune from harm.
But the more we drive over and over in these well-worn tracks, the more we forget who we are outside of them. The more stuck we get in one end of a polarity or another, the less honest our interactions become.
And, the longer we go along with the expectations that we have created for ourselves, the more painful the resistance will be when we try to break free from the role we have been playing.
What is fascinating to me is how we can play both ends of the same polarity, at the same time, in different relating dynamics.
Recently I had rocky dynamics co-occurring within two friend connections at the same time. In one connection, I perceived that the other person was using disapproval and guilt-tripping (over things that I had done “wrong”) as a tactic to extract money from me. Perhaps this was based on a history of them not respecting my needs and boundaries. In the other, I perceived that the other person was using payment of money as a means to purchase approval from me. Perhaps this was rooted in a relational dynamic where they were prone to taking negative feedback from me too personally.
The really trippy thing about this is that because I was experiencing this polarity from both ends at the exact same time, I could easily “try on” the other perspective, and see how the other person might be telling themselves the opposite story, as they were thinking about me.
What this highlighted for me was: It doesn’t matter which “side” we find ourselves on in a given polarity, when we rely too much on role-based relating, it ultimately pulls us away from real intimacy.
Superiority and inferiority are two faces of the same insecurity. When we don’t feel safe to express our authentic, changeable truth, then we look for security by assuming a known position. Or put another way, when we are not centered and grounded, in full approval of our own thoughts and emotions, it is easy to try to mold ourselves to fit others’ expectations. It doesn’t matter whether that position is one-up or one-down. Usually we will just slide into whichever end of the dynamic is familiar to us with that person.
We all play certain roles with the people in our lives. And these roles form a multidimensional web. We can play one role with one person, and a different role with another. We train people how to treat us. In the relational field we are constantly engaged in mutual entrainment, reinforcing each others’ habitual behaviors by the way we show up.
If we are always playing the same character, it is easy to fall asleep in that role. Keeping things real means that once in a while we need to switch things up — to intentionally check out what life looks like from the other side. Let’s remember to be kind and have compassion. But we can also play our part in the game of life, without taking these roles too seriously.