I have been deep in it this past week. Deep in grief. Waking up feeling restless and depleted, as if I’m battling demons in my sleep. Because I am.
Naturally, my system is in a clearing process — shedding things that no longer fit me. It’s the deepest cleaning that I have had in a while. But there’s part of me that’s fighting, gripping with separation anxiety, refusing to let go of the pieces of my identity that have to leave. There’s no space for them on the train to where I am going.
I am standing on the threshold of something big. I am stepping into expanded leadership, taking on more responsibility. I am moving to sacrifice personal safety and security for the sake of collective benefit.
I am embracing greater uncertainty, and greater risk. I am wobbling into unknown territory where the skills that are needed have not been mastered by me yet.
At the same moment, I am trying to shake off the egregore of fear that grasps at my ankles as I start to run fast enough to fly.
This egregore entered into my space through the most unlikely of doors. Through the unhealed trauma of those I trusted and kept close. It smashed headlong into my psyche with blunt force. And the gate that it crashed through was left unlocked and unguarded by me, out of a false sense of safety.
These kinds of disruptions seem to be occurring more frequently and with more intensity. The word daggers hurled at me are darker and fiercer. The old paradigm becomes more violent, the closer it gets to complete self-destruction.
It is not easy to lead and co-create beauty — not easy to move in resonance with a new earth frequency — when the people we meet have never met a being that moves like us before.
People see money. They think greed. People see power. They think tyrant. If you are a leader of what is newly emerging, many will not be able to see you truly. They can only see what they have known.
Now love is direction. Now power is protection. Now wisdom is connection. But this new paradigm seems so strange, so improbable, so unfamiliar to almost everyone. We are going where we don’t feel known, don’t feel secure, and don’t know for sure what will happen.
If we have accepted the assignment to lead in new ways, we will certainly be met with a gauntlet of projections, resistance, and accusations.
Leadership means sacrificing ego on the altar of service. We must let them misunderstand us. We must let them accuse us. We must stand still and let trauma fall unmet on the floor after it tries to slash our jugular. Being a leader sometimes means taking hits, without hitting back.
Humans are learning to widen our viewfinders — to actively participate in creating reality, instead of just watching the same movie on repeat. To birth new worlds, we must learn to discern between what is expired and what is emerging. Humanity must learn to trust and become trustworthy again.
My mind is calm and clear, surfing these waves. There is no regret, no self-hate. Yet my body feels shipwrecked. I feel myself bobbing up and down, slightly nauseous, longing for rest most days.
The lesson that I am learning now is that sometimes love looks like saying No. When you have something precious that’s worth protecting, boundaries are a form of care. When you are in service to life’s thriving, removing what is life-taking, is an act of creation.
The part of me that is dying is the one that wants to say Yes to everything. The one that sees the good in everyone, and shrugs off the damage they cause, at her own expense. The one that offers infinite compassion, but drains her own limited energy in the process.
I can hold a lot. But I no longer want to hold it all on my own. I can be many things to many people. And I need to be supported too. I need to be resourced and regulated in order to keep generating life and love and light in my own ecosystem. I cannot attend to anything that Life is asking me to steward, without first tending to this one, right here.
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Thank you! This resonates so deeply. 🙏