On women's rites of passage
The renovation of core beliefs
Jupiter just went direct this week after being retrograde for the last four months. While I follow some astrologers on social media, it’s not an event that I would usually take much note of. But this week, I happened to be receiving a personal transit reading with an astrologer-witch and dear friend of mine, Diana Mau. By coincidence, I booked a session with her on the day that Jupiter went direct. I asked her, “what does Jupiter retrograde mean?” She mentioned a few things, but what jumped out at me was: the renovation of core beliefs.
It immediately brought to mind how, over these past few months, I have been coming to terms with my own coming of age. I have slowly (and largely subconsciously) been rewiring a lot of my conditioned beliefs around the menopause transition.
I am a woman in my mid-late 40’s. I eat healthy. I am active. I live a low-stress lifestyle. Over the last year, I started to notice some subtle changes in my body and energy. Now I can tell you without hesitation that these are signs that indicate my age, advancement into perimenopause, and gradual approach towards the menopause portal. I can also see the fear that has been implanted in my psyche around this natural turning of seasons.
As I started to accept that the physical, emotional, and mental changes that I have witnessed in myself are related to hormone levels, I could see my own bias – wanting to attribute my symptoms to anything else besides that. I have been in denial, rationalizing.
As I started to share my experiences with friends close to my age, I could also see our collective tendency to keep to ourselves on this topic. There is shame. There is hiding.
What has become obvious to me, is how modern society has distorted this rite of passage (which deserves to be celebrated in community!) into a fearsome, challenging, and confusing time that is navigated alone, mostly in secrecy.
I recently saw a lecture by professor Roy Casagrande, speaking about the evolutionary reason for menopause. Why is it that in humans, chimpanzees, elephants, whales – the biggest brained mammal species – females live a significant portion of their life beyond child-bearing age? His theory is that it’s because women are the primary wisdom keepers, and we need grandmothers to pass on knowledge to the next generation.
Receiving this insight was a confirmation and mirror of my own personal process, as I have been wrapping my head around this passage, which will traverse the next decade for me.
We have been collectively brainwashed by the cult of youth-as-beauty to think that a woman past her reproductive years is ‘over-the-hill’ – no longer desirable, no longer useful. This is the core belief of a patriarchal reality that treats women as property, valued only for their capacity to serve men as a vessel for baby-making. Women collude in the perpetuation of this belief by the way; it is not solely manufactured and maintained by men.
Now we are seeing the maturation of a generation of women who are more independent, resourced, empowered, and awakened than ever before. There is a huge cohort of us – raised in the information age, with our own money, voices, and opinions – who are starting to transition into elderhood. We are becoming grandmothers, many of us without ever having been mothers to biological children along the way. And at the same time, we are holding space and carrying visions as the leaders of a new humanity.
Whether we are coupled or single, whether we are mothers or child-free, we are rising up to say: “Hold on wait a minute. You are not putting us out to pasture when we stop bleeding. We are just getting started. In fact, this menopause transition is a ‘second spring’.”
There is no reason for women to suffer as our bodies degrade, or to shrink into irrelevance when our bodies stop releasing eggs. There is no reason why we should not expect (in fact, demand) to continue to be vital, vibrant, and contributing well into our 50s and 60s and beyond. I believe that our thriving throughout this phase of life is actually crucial for the massive shift in consciousness that humanity is going through right now.
When our reproductive capacity goes offline, it means all of that powerful creation energy can be harnessed and directed into other things. When women are no longer walking shophouses for a single human life, we become lighthouses for all of humanity.
The young maiden spends an immense amount of energy on winning the attention and approval of men. Reaching maturity means we no longer have an animal body that gives any f*%#s about that. Literally. Our biologically wired drive to catch and keep a man – this is what can be put out to pasture.
With that comes a beautiful freedom. Sexuality can be pursued exclusively for pleasure when it no longer serves a reproductive function. We no longer tolerate sub-par partners for the sake of a sexual opportunity. We are no longer hijacked by a subconscious need to be seen, to be selected. We choose ourselves. Feeling good in our bodies becomes our first priority.
This “me first” attitude means we can give from true generosity, where we focus on filling up our own cups to the point that they are overflowing. No more of the over-functioning and over-giving that comes from the wounded girl trying so hard to prove to others that she is worthy.
In elderhood, we reclaim life force that can be channeled into self-love, community care, and the co-creation of a whole new reality – one that is life-giving for all, not only for some.
The process of thought reconstruction seems to be a quiet and gradual thing. At least, it’s been that way for me. I didn’t even notice there was a renovation underway, until it was nearly complete already. What I have found is: there may be a few big bangs here and there, but the dramatic, cathartic crash-and-burn alone is not sufficient to build an entirely new mindscape. It requires consistent hammering over time.
After a while, we might notice that our old, expired beliefs start to appear to us like caricatures in a tragicomedy. The ideas that we once regarded as incontrovertible truth – without ever questioning – begin to seem absolutely ridiculous. Now, the idea that menopause is the grievous end of something seems completely laughable to me. This is a renaissance. It is the only the beginning of the beginning.
If a subscription is not for you, I also welcome one-time donations via PayPal and Wise.
You can also contribute by re-posting or sharing the link to this essay with a friend.
For more resources on perimenopause and menopause, I highly recommend checking out the work of Dr. Marie Claire Haver and Tamsen Fadal.
Loving these reflections! It's only the beginning of the beginning...