Looking into my money story
The idea of less and letting go
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I have been reflecting lately on how money is a lot like sexual energy – it is an amplifier for whatever patterns we are working with and working through. It basically turns up the volume on everything that it comes into contact with.
Throughout my life, money has generally not been a huge problem. Most of the time, I have enough of it so that it doesn’t occupy a lot of my thoughts and it doesn’t cause me much stress and worry. But this year, it seems to be involved in a lot of different conflicts and arguments that I am having, both internally and externally.
I see a couple of different things happening in my universe when it comes to money this year. One part of it has to do with the idea of “less”. The other part of it has to do with intensifying the process of letting go.
On the first topic, this year I have felt a new level of constraint and contraction with my access to financial resources. Of course, money ebbs and flows. Sometimes there’s more and sometimes there’s less. Over the past several years, there has been less, relative to the more distant past. These days I live much more simply than when I had a corporate job in San Francisco. And I also earn significantly much less money (about 20x less). This year, the introduction of even less than that came quite suddenly and drastically. When the crypto market and stock market dropped this spring, I had the experience of losing a lot of money.
I talked myself through the emotional wave from that gently, simply by rationalizing how nothing in my physical reality had actually changed. I still have a warm bed to sleep in every night. I still have food to eat every day. When I go to the ATM, cash is still coming out when I put my card and my codes in. I could easily see that my survival fears and scarcity thinking were just mental reflexes. The thought storm had no relationship to real, immediate danger in physical reality. It was a complete mind-created complex based on a few illuminated numbers on a digital screen.
But still, I experienced a big and sudden shift in my money mentality. It was like a jolt to my system – something I would call a “record scratch moment”. One month, I was entertaining big hopes and dreams and making plans for building things. The next month, I was taking inventory of all the skills that I’ve collected that could be converted into cash quickly. In other words, my orientation changed from making long-term investments to earning short-term income. This created shockwaves that rippled throughout all of my business plans and creative projects. Ultimately, it led me to a total rearrangement of all of my priorities.
The second issue that has come up this year related to money is that there has been a lot of untangling and undoing in my reality. Lots of letting go. Lots of clearing. And when we make agreements with people that involve money, it creates cords that can be extremely sticky and hard to remove when there’s an ending. It’s the same way with sexual energy. This year, I had some major money cords, which were bound together with plans that are no longer happening now. And when those dreams died, those cords have required cleaning. That has not been easy.
What I observed in clearing out these energetic contracts and financial cords, is that the process has shone a bright, full-beam spotlight on all of my deepest, darkest shit. All my core wounds were totally exposed. The other person’s shit probably came up too, I imagine. I can see now that it was not the money issue itself that caused me pain and suffering. The addition of money into the mix just poured some high-octane fuel onto wounds that were pre-existing already. It blew these things up, and made the inner work that much more intense emotionally.